100,000-mile street car tire will have the traction of a race slick

To be developed on Lime Rock’s 1.5-mile, 7-turn track... A tire company has signed a deal with Lime Rock Park to test and develop a passenger car tire that finally meets the demands made by millions of car owners over the past century: A tire with a guaranteed tread life of 100,000 miles that also has super amounts of braking, accelerating and cornering grip. Gustav “UTQG” Vredestein, the lead engineer for the tire manufacturer that wishes to remain unidentified at this point, said, “We can’t believe this tire hasn’t been designed and produced yet. Anybody with a lick of sense – and a thin wallet – wants this kind of tire.”

Artist's rendering of "Super Tire" to be developed at Lime Rock Park

Vredestein continued, “This only makes sense if the tire is actually affordable. In that regard, we put the cart before the horse – the sidewall before the carcass, if you will – and have already come up with an innovative ‘cost per diameter inch’ pricing model. We asked ourselves, Why should the owner of a 1961 Austin Mini pay the same price for his or her 10-inch tires as Eminem pays for the 26-inch dubs on his Escalade with the custom hot tub and 60-inch 8K UHDTV?”

Details of how to make an affordable tire that has the dry grip of a Formula 1 racing slick – which has a tread life of around 60 miles – yet can go 100,000 miles before needing to be replaced are, needless to say, sketchy. But Vredestein said, “Look, when other tire companies tell you that soft, sticky rubber – super grippy, like an eraser – can’t perform mileage-wise like a Paleozoic rock, we say, ‘Hooey.’”

Industry insiders say the secret may involve inflation parameters. More specifically, what the super tire is inflated with. When pressed on this, Vredestein said, “Air? Please... Nitrogen? Old school. Monoatomic ideal gasses expressed in molar specific heats? Now we’re talking...”

Even more remarkable is that the tire is going to be designed for year-round use, even above the 35th parallel. “We’re calling it the ‘No Season’ tire,” Vredestein gushed. “It’s perfectly compromised.”

Vredestein noted that the new tire will, of course, be green. “You know, the color green. Dammit, Jim, I’m an engineer, not a marketing geek!” he suddenly yelled to a reporter not named Jim. “I’m told by our p.r. people that you can’t move any product in the U.S. if it’s not green! So it’s green.”

When asked why the company chose Lime Rock Park – the gorgeous, historic yet modern sports car road racing circuit in the hills of Northwest Connecticut – as the testing and development site, Vredestien said, “Because it’s a gorgeous, historic yet modern sports car road racing circuit in the hills of Northwest Connecticut. Duh. And the direct flights.”

Our Partners